guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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