Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
