so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
