It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
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Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
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We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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