We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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