I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
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He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
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Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize