First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
