oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
