i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
