six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
