My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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