When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
