2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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