uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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