I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
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the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
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I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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