I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
