I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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