i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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