PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
