i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
