At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
