So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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