When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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