My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
