i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
