He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
