Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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