I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
it's like iHOP with fire
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
