Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
