I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
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our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
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Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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