Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
