one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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