I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
