Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
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I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
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I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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