I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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