I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
