I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
