don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
