in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
True strength comes from lack of pants
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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