What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
