i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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