I'm jealous of your bromance
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
