Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
