At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
