you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
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You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
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PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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