mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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