I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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