it glows. i had to have it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
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Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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