i jhust puked up my retainher.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
