i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
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She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
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Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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