Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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