I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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