So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
