Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
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I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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