you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
