I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Holy sore nipples Batman
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
