I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
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The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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