Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
