im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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