I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
