he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
