You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
