It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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