Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
