dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
