i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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